Looking back on the past, seeing the present through polished glass.
I’ve met a lot of people in the course of the past few years, most of whom my studies and blogging on Laced Ivory have brought to me. Not many people know the real me, and in fact, those who do, I can count with one hand. In reflecting the past year and some significant events in my life, perhaps it’s a way for me to say, “Hey, here’s how you can get to know me in all honesty – and I would like you to.”
Who am I?
By nature, I’m an introvert but not the kind that people usually expect. I’m more of an observer than an extrovert but I participate by contributing in ways that are seemingly lacking in a social setting. I love bravely, live forgivingly – and I absolutely hate liars. I’m a typical Aquarius, but if you know the traits of one, you’ll know that there isn’t such a thing as a typical Aquarius. I choose who I befriend, who I hold close to my heart, who I allow myself to be vulnerable with. I also choose who I don’t bother about and will probably never think of again the rest of my life. I make decisions by asking myself the same concluding question every time: “Will I regret this later?” If I don’t know the answer to that, I go with my instinct. I don’t do blame – it’s a great waste of time.
I’m always moving forward but I carry my past with me all the time. I like challenges, sometimes a bit too much so that I suffer. But I also believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. If it does kill you, you die anyway, and your journey may continue or not. Death does not scare me – not having lived before I die does. Which is why I choose to live each day positively. I choose to be happy because life on earth is but transient. I believe everything in life happens for a reason, whether I know what that reason is or not. And it doesn’t matter whether I know this cause, because the universe is so much greater than what I – or anyone – can ever perceive it to be, that my life and everything in or around it, is simply part of a grander picture. To a microbe, a planet is unimaginable. To a human, so is the universe.
I’m very reflective, which may come as a surprise to some. I like philosophy. I have big eyes, medium skin, black hair and am petite in size. Some people think I am submissive but they don’t know that I know they think that. I’m just patient, observing, strategic in the way I interact with new people. That’s how I know who I can trust, who I need more time to figure out and who I simply cannot stand another minute with. But all these come naturally to me. It somehow doesn’t take effort and my judgement of character is pretty accurate most times. I study people, but in ways such that they don’t realise they’re being studied.
I have a sixth sense. I get dreams that literally turn into reality. Sometimes I wonder if this gift can be further harnessed to give me super powers a la Professor X, but other times I just leave it be. I love to travel, to try new things, to meet new people and eat new food. I love shopping and my psychiatrist is retail therapy. I suppose I can go on and not stop, but you would be tired of me talking about myself (terrible date, I know). So let me go on about my reflections and hopefully you’d do the same and get closer to your right direction in life.
On Friendship
Friends come and go. I’ve met many friends and exchanged breath with many acquaintances. Some of these people, I might never meet again, and some I might even forget. A small number remain, whom I will treasure for as long as I live. No matter what, I’m grateful for having met each and every one of them. You, you and you. Each one of you is a part of my story, and each one of you has played a role in the person I am now. As long as I have met you, you have changed me. I’m especially thankful for my two best friends, Alexis and Corinne, who are like sisters to me and to whom I can always go to whenever I need them. I’m also thankful for the friends who take time out of their busy schedules to organise gatherings with ex-classmates. I’m thankful for the friends from long ago who invited me to share the joy on their wedding days, because it meant that I meant something to them. I’m so, so thankful for the friends in my current workplace, because they make going to work so much better and fun! And finally, I hope to make more new friends in the years to come, so to these not-yet-friends, thank you for existing so that I can meet you in the future.
On Love
Love is universal. Everybody knows how to love but not everybody knows how to hate (I’m not saying we should). But some people forget what love means. I’ve seen marriages being formed, I’ve seen marriages fall apart. Why do people marry? If a mother can love her child for as long as she lives, from the day it is conceived, how can she not do the same for her partner, from the day they are wed? Same for dads. Reasons aren’t really reasons. People change. All the time. I have never and can never accept this change as a good enough reason to fall apart once a commitment is made. If you cannot deal with change, then don’t commit. There are many different types of love but they are all still essentially love. And if you can say that you no longer love something or someone anymore, you probably never loved it/him/her in the first place. Which, to me, is sad, because it means that people don’t know what love is and to not know this, is a terrible, terrible thing.
On Teaching
To this day, I have been teaching for about a year. Is this what I really want to do as my career for the rest of my life? Is this my vocation, my calling? Is this what I’ve always meant to do? Very honestly, I don’t know. I went into this profession not because I felt a strong sense in me to teach, but because of a very basic need for survival. My own survival, and that of those who would depend on it. It was the “right thing to do” on several fronts but if I only considered myself at the time I made the decision, I would not have chosen it. I continually ask myself if I would tread down this path if I wasn’t legally bonded to it, that if someone else paid me the same salary to do something else, whether I would take it. Right now, I probably would. There’s still so much in this world that needs to be seen, to be felt and experienced; And my youth, I only have it once.
That’s not to say that I dislike teaching. Oh, on the contrary and quite to my surprise, I do like it. Compared to all my past working experiences, teaching has presented itself as the most challenging and satisfying one. But I also want to have a hand in setting up and running my own business, in having more control over my life. This whole bond thing is, to me, psychological imprisonment and I really want to break out of it.
On Life
I don’t know where life will take me years from now, so I live from day to day. I live in the now. It’s pointless living in the past because it cannot be changed. It doesn’t make sense to live in the future because it doesn’t exist. Live in the present because this is where the past, present and future coincide. Live responsibly towards yourself and others. I often think that if there were no “others,” life would be so much easier and less complicated. I really don’t like drama and I’m glad I decided to do certain things for myself and not anyone else. It’s difficult to be selfish, but sometimes you need to remind yourself that when others are putting their desires unto you and expecting you to fulfil them, they are the selfish ones – not you.
I decided to love myself first before I loved anyone else. For as far back into my life as I can remember, there isn’t someone who hasn’t disappointed me in one way or another. And it hurt to finally realise that everyone I let into my life has the capacity to add wounds to my self, regardless of whether they mean to or not (and I, to theirs). Maybe it’s weak to allow myself to be disappointed, to put hopes on others and see these hopes fly out the window. But I’ve learnt that it is not weakness. It is courage, and I’m not the only one. Everyone has been disappointed by everyone else at some point in their lives, however small that disappointment might have been. So, love yourself first. If you are brave enough to let others into your life, you can be brave enough to let you into your life. If you cannot do this, then you cannot love anyone else as much as your soul is capable of loving.
My Wishes for the New Year
I suppose I’m someone who doesn’t wish much but when I do make a wish, it’s one that carries a lot of weight. Simply put, I wish to be happy and to have the courage to do what I want to get the most out of life. I’d like to travel to the west coast for a summer again (LA I miss you so much!) and maybe take a trip down under.
What about you?
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